ECW, an unconventionally semi-attractive woman in her late 30s. Wearing red lipstick, leopard faux-fur coat, yellow Adidas Gazelles that were a charity shop steal.
Sainsbury’s, a Thursday afternoon.
ECW walks up to the till with a pot of hummus, a bottle of Cava and a bunch of £2.50 purple tulips.
She has just been out for half a bottle of wine with her girlfriends on her lunch break. She is in a hurry.
WELL-MEANING MAN AT TILL: Flowers! Champagne! What are you celebrating?
ECW: Well, it is Valentine’s day.
MAN: But who are these things for? Shouldn’t someone be buying flowers for you?
ECW: I don’t like to be too heteronormative about these things. Purple is my boyfriend’s favourite colour. He likes flowers.
MAN: Oh, I’m sorry! I hope he has bought flowers for you!
ECW: Um, I’m fine. Thank you.
ECW walks back to her office, holding flowers.
WELL-MEANING WORK COLLEAGUE: Oh dear! Have you bought flowers for yourself? Is that what it’s come to? I’m sorry!
ECW: DON’T YOU LIKE FLOWERS AND DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND HOW HETERONORMATIVE CULTURE DOES US ALL A TERRIBLE DISSERVICE?
COLLEAGUE: I’m sorry, what?
ECW: They’re for my boyfriend. He likes flowers. Purple is his favourite colour. I would like him to know that I appreciate him.
COLLEAGUE: Haha, you should have said they were for your girlfriend. That would have taught a lesson to that bigoted arsehole in the shop.
ECW: Yep. OK. FFS.