mercredi 8 juillet 2015

The History Girl

Reading this blog back from the beginning – as I have been wont to do lately, along with other unhealthy things like looking through old photographs and poring over long-ago emails – is a strange experience.

I started it in March 2011.  Not so long ago, maybe, in the grand scheme of things.  But before the London Olympics, before a few house moves, before I turned 30, before Game of Thrones was on, before I really knew what heartbreak meant.

Before this blog, I’d kept up a couple of other (way too personal, very “early 00s”) blogs for years – annoyingly, I deleted them and now wish I hadn’t.  I’d love to read them now.  I have long had the habit of doing stupid stuff like that: throwing out clothes and then wishing I could wear them again, still dreaming about the old cassette tapes I got rid of years ago…

Amid so much change, I’ve been thinking about the past a lot.  Maybe too much, lately.  It seems impossible not to.  The future is so unclear.  Is some level of regret and disappointment inevitable by this age?  Will life always be a bit less shiny than it once was?  Do we ever know what we’re doing?

If you know, please tell me.

(‘If you do, you start missing everybody’…)

2 commentaires:

  1. This post resonates with me too much. I have so much to say but I'll fill this space up so I'll try not to.
    I try to remind myself that the past sometimes seems so much more lively and pleasing because the sting of anything awful that happened has lessened and because I've focused on remembering the fun parts or the "before this happened", as if I have a choice to go back and choose another path, like the possibility of another future is still there. I'm ridiculously attached to STUFF that was acquired during or relates to certain time periods. This sounds silly but I have to work really hard to make myself get rid of things instead of saving them forever but then later on I always regret it especially when it comes to weird stuff like an old t-shirt or CD. Part of me wants to keep everything fresh and moving forward(whatever that even means) so I don't want to hang on to old photographs, letters and all that but then I'm desperate to find a way to go back and remember it all too. I hate that because I think it's about me not letting go of people because I'm not satisfied now or never fully processed certain situations or something. I don't know. Eh, I've got to stump. I'm rambling.
    Anyway I think I get this post. I have no idea what we are supposed to do or if we ever get to a place that's okay or if it's always a combination of looking back and reaching forward for something more. I hope that's not the case. Best Wishes.

  2. In a way, it's so good to hear I'm not the only one who feels like this... I also totally agree with and relate to everything you say here, so thank you for saying so. Hopefully good times ahead for both of us, and you have reminded me that sometimes we are looking back through rose-tinted spectacles. Onwards and upwards! x