Bookish Things

 I didn't read at all at the beginning of lockdown. Couldn't concentrate on a book at all, which was a shame as it's my favourite thing to do.

I am pleased to report that since then I have read some EXCELLENT books and highly recommend all of them:

PRETENDING by Holly Bourne

QUEENIE by Candice Carty-Williams

HUNGER by Roxane Gay

SUCH A FUN AGE by Kiley Reid

THE ART OF GETTING LOST by Rebecca Solnit

At the end of the week, I am planning a payday new book extravaganza. Please let me know on Instagram/Twitter if you have recommendations!

When not reading, I have also been bouncing on my trampoline, cooking, going on my favourite new secret forest walk, meditating and making jam from graveyard blackberries.

I watched a whole crazy soap opera (three series!) about cage fighters in Venice Beach and now I am strangely sad it's over.

I miss holidays.

Oh, and I was a guest on the Cosmo 'All The Way With' sex podcast, which was super fun! I felt like a pound-shop Carrie Bradshaw (jk, Carrie was awful!!!). Woke Charlotte 4 ever.

A few bits about people who are not me.

The Reverend Richard Coles is truly one of the nicest people I have ever had the pleasure to meet. He was exactly how you would expect/hope him to be. He radiates kindness and warmth, and he is just as interested in people, whether the microphones are switched on or not. This wonderful article really captures a bit of that.

I also recently had the pleasure of chatting to Sally Howard, and I cannot wait to read her new book. It's all about how women in co-habiting heterosexual relationships STILL do the vast majority of the housework, even in partnerships where both partners identify as feminist. Relevant to my interests (and, curiously, to a degree I don't usually admit in public), tbh.

If you're preparing for self-isolation, I would do so by pre-ordering the new book from living legend Holly Bourne.

I'm now embarrassed to admit that I used to be addicted to the Daily Mail sidebar of shame. I haven't looked at it in years now, and my life is much better for it. I'm still surprised when I see friends, colleagues and fellow commuters looking at it, even now when we know the Daily Mail is basically evil, but I do understand we have to get our gossip somewhere. I definitely do. I recommend Lainey Gossip as an ethical way of getting your fix if you are so inclined.

I've unexpectedly become interested in Christian rock (long story) and, particularly, in the singular and unapologetic eccentricities of Joshua S. Porter. This book is not my usual sort of thing but it is fun and interesting.

This is the best film I've seen lately, recommended by my friend Jess. Both of the main actors are great in it, but I was particularly struck by the character of Jake, who seemed like a real-life person I would go out with. He was sensitive and sexy in a goofy way. It made me think about how rare this is to see on film.

I'm a bit obsessed with Cash Carraway. Her brilliant memoir is now out in paperback and you should definitely buy it.

Oh and, because I'm pretty self-absorbed during this final run-up to publication, this was in the Telegraph at the weekend.

Finally, I wrote an essay for my evening class that ended up (unexpectedly) being about this current 'be kind' trend. It's clearly well-intentioned, but feels so hollow and useless. We all already think we are kind; we need to examine our own prejudices and beliefs about who deserves our kindness. We need to think about a much more nuanced understanding of empathy. A few days after I handed it in, Eva Wiseman (incidentally, one of my very favourite journalists), tackled the same subject much better than I could.

How To Be Luminous

My great friend Harriet Reuter Hapgood writes more beautifully than you can possibly imagine. She recently produced both a book and a baby into the world in the space of one week, that’s the kind of casual over-achiever she is.

Usually, if I read a book and wish I’d written it myself to the point of jealousy, it’s because it has a clever, twisty plot that would be far beyond the limitations of my small brain. However, Harriet could write a book in which nothing happened whatsoever – full of sighs, meaningful glances, no dialogue and solely descriptions of beautiful rooms and outfits – and I would happily spend the rest of my life reading it. I honestly don’t know anyone else on the face of this planet who has her gift for unusual description, unexpected detail and sighingly gorgeous lycricism.

Her new book, HOW TO BE LUMINOUS, tells the story of the three teenage sloe sisters. Their famous artist mother has disappeared and Minnie, the middle sister, has lost her ability to see colour. There are gorgeous boys, even more gorgeous settings, outfits I wish were real and in my wardrobe, fictional artworks that I can see right in front of me, and a rabbit called Salvador Dali. There are roses and sequinned platform shoes and secrets and wild swimming and a thousand shades of bright pink and existential angst.

Her first book, THE SQUARE ROOT OF SUMMER, is also wonderful but I think I love this one even more. I highly recommend reading both. She is frequently compared to Jandy Nelson – company of the highest order and very aptly deserved.

In short. I do not even have the linguistic skills to convey how beautiful Harriet’s writing is. It makes me feel like Georgia O’Keeffe and PJ Harvey and Sylvia Plath do, but about teenage girls in South London. I can’t wait for all the things she’s going to do next. The word ‘humbled’ is overused and I hate it but… yeah, that.

As well as being a very proud friend, I also really like this sensible and wise article on being single by Garance Dore. I think she’s a pretty cool woman.

I also bought some tiny Ivy Park shorts on Depop (I only buy second-hand clothes now). I bought them from a cool teenage girl and now totally feel like one when I’m out running. It’s a great feeling.

I have been drinking a lot of kombucha. Fun. Today I’m 42 days sober (the longest since I was 14 years old) and I’m told this is where it gets really good. Incidentally, I have now not smoked in 9 months. This almost passed me by, and it feels normal now, most of the time.

I presume you already do Yoga With Adriene, but stepping up to doing at least one of her (usually short) videos every day has changed my life for the better.

Last night, we ate pasta sauce made with olives from the garden and few things have ever made me happier.

Things are really not too bad on this humid, London, sleepy, wearing my boyfriend’s shirt to work Monday morning.

Notes from *any* divorce.

I've been thinking a lot about last weekend's Emma Forrest article.

I agree with her wholeheartedly that: 
"The thing I find most painful about divorce is that there is no marked spot at which to leave offerings."

In the end, I can only conclude that the best thing we can do is to write about it.

Emma's writing has always helped me, perhaps because I relate far too heavily to all of it. I have read her memoir Your Voice In My Head probably more times than I've ever read anything else. It's certainly influenced my current writing a lot.

When she got married I literally started a scrapbook of her Elle columns about marriage. 'If she can do it, maybe I can too,' I thought. 'Maybe...' 

However, as always, her words tap into a comforting place, no matter how sad the topic. I was also reminded of the time my friend Ali and I followed a man around Marrakech for an entire afternoon because we thought he might be George Michael. He was not George Michael.

I'd like to be in Marrakech right now. It was a place I long dreamed of before I ever went there. It was more magical than I would ever have expected. For years, I thought I'd end up being like the mum in Hideous Kinky one day. I don't think that any more.

This week a year ago my dog died and I went to Switzerland with a boy I barely knew.

Anyway. Observations today include that spicy-pickling carrots is always an excellent decision. I'm also heavily into aubergines right now (sprinkle them with sumac and roast them). I've been reading about meditation, which I am quite bad at. I'm prepared to try.

Tomorrow I am 30 days sober and have been instructed to buy myself a treat.

My life has been quite small, lately. It's been domestic and cosy, and I have enjoyed it. I'm starting to feel the itch to do bigger work, though. Maybe because I watched Brene Brown last night and... if you know, you know.

What I've been up to.

It’s been a quiet cosy time, but it also feels like a productive time.

I have been making a lot of stuff. Kimchi, oat milk, hummus, chocolate spread. I have been pickling a lot of things. The olive tree in the garden has yielded an abundant freak crop of Brighton olives. I’m trying to make us into a zero waste household. I’ve planted some carrots. I’ve started using a natural deodorant and I don’t even seem to stink.

I went to a gin festival and drank coffee.

I’ve been to some nice gigs. I highly, highly recommend checking out the ED Fowler Band and Peter Cat, two of the best things I’ve seen lately.

I re-read The Outrun by Amy Liptrot and The Rules Do Not Apply by Ariel Levy, both of which are beautifully written and highly inspiring. This is the sort of thing I’m in the mood for these days.

I went to a Belinda Carlisle drag queen contest and it was a lot of fun.

I went for a massage, on a whim. Never done it before, best decision ever.

I’m trying to do yoga every single day, and it is helping.

I watched all of the new series of Stranger Things in a 24-hour period. I cried profusely at the end. Rare for me these days; I don’t cry nearly as much as I used to.

I hate shopping but I’ve suddenly taken to buying second-hand clothes on the internet. Getting parcels is fun. So is having a lot of jumpsuit options, it turns out.

I am in awe of my wonderful friend Harriet, who has made a book and a baby in dazzlingly quick succession. She is one of the most beautiful writers on this earth, and you should definitely read the book.

Emma Forrest has also – again – cemented her place as my favourite living writer and I cannot wait to see her film.

I’ve been listening to Domino Kirke’s beautiful record a lot and also aiming to be beyond waves. There’s graffiti at the end of my road that declares NO MORE DRAMA and I want it tattooed on my heart.

Today I am 28 days sober, like that film with Sandra Bullock.

How is Susie doing?

If I love you, I will show that love by sending you books, book recommendations and links to articles you never asked for.

Often these will be from the deepest depths of the 'Ask Polly' archive. I recently sent this one to a woman dear to my heart who I thought needed it in her life, then was so inspired I decided to post it on Twitter... and promptly received messages from three people who thought I had broken up with my boyfriend. I appreciated the concern but was mildly embarrassed at the fuss I had caused. I have not broken up with my boyfriend. Incidentally, I still think that article is useful for most women, regardless of the details.

In my opinion, the best books to give to friends having a hard time, depending on their sensibility and situation, are:

• Heartburn by Nora Ephron
• Your Voice In My Head by Emma Forrest
• The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion
• The Rules Do Not Apply by Ariel Levy
• I'll Give You The Sun by Jandy Nelson
• Riders by Jilly Cooper

You may already know about Nick Cave's Red Hand Files. If you do, aren't they beautiful, wonderful and life-affirming?

If you don't, here's a tip because I love you. Following his 'in conversation' events, Nick Cave has started a letter (I don't want to call this a 'newsletter' or an email, because it feels like a truly intimate, personal letter). You can send Nick Cave any question you want to, and you can sign up to receive all of the answers.

My question has not been answered yet, but - again - every response has inspired me, even if it is not a question I would have thought to ask myself.

This week's felt apt and, duly, I forwarded it on to a loved one. This time last year I was in Korea, on possibly the strangest trip of my life so far. This time last year, in a tragic and senseless accident, the world lost one of its best people, and is a far poorer place for it.

This song is in my head today. Written by Rowland S. Howard when he was a teenager and sung here by a baby Nick Cave, I think I would like it played at my funeral. Which, these days, I honestly hope is a long way away. We are so fucking lucky to be here.

Some disparate thoughts.

I just heard the most brilliantly illuminating phrase for the first time: STRAIGHT MEN UNDERSTAND CONSENT WHEN THEY GO TO A GAY BAR.

Fuck, man. That has just blown my mind, Seriously.

When I was in my late teens and early twenties, and I almost exclusively associated with gay men, I had a few shit boyfriends who had slightly problematic attitudes towards my social circle.

'I don't mind hanging out with them as long as nobody tries to touch me,' said my most basic bitch boyfriend, who I feel slightly ashamed to have gone out with in retrospect.

As if anybody would have tried. Did I mention he was fucking gross?

This all comes back to the theory that *some* men are automatically frightened of gay men, because they assume gay men will view them in the way that they themselves view women.

Something to think about.

In other news, Halloween is coming up. I am having a little early Halloween party tomorrow night, which I am very excited about. An excuse to dress up, listen to stupid music, eat ridiculous themed snacks, and celebrate how much life has moved on since last Halloween. Full disclosure: last Halloween I was tying myself into knots over a man who couldn't care less, I couldn't sleep at night due to my collapsing rotten kitchen floor, and I had no idea if I would be able to write another book again. So... Thanks, universe. Expect pictures of me and my ludicrously costumed friends on Instagram soon.

I've also just read WHY I'M NO LONGER TALKING TO WHITE PEOPLE ABOUT RACE by Reni Eddo-Lodge. Obviously I already like to think I'm on the woke side, but I was still surprised by how much there is to learn. I wholeheartedly recommend this book to all.

After that, I read Lily Allen's memoir, MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY. I've always liked her. I didn't think it was a perfect book, but it was compelling and I liked it and I still like her.

I went to see A Star Is Born. I was expecting to love it. I was expecting a jolly Sunday date afternoon. I was wrong. The less said about this the better, probably, as I know I'm in the minority. Sometimes I'm forced to wonder if the problem is me, quite frankly. Fortunately - and it was a small saving grace - my viewing companion felt the same. Statistically unlikely and all the more pleasing for it...

As a Halloween treat for all, I will also mention here that my cinema date has written a song to commemorate possibly the best death in horror movie history (side note: he should know as we have been watching the Friday the 13th series in its entirety - currently up to Part VII, which is quite the undertaking). It is marvellously funny.

Not In Front Of Family

• I have been listening to this repeatedly and weeping for a multitude of reasons. It is utterly perfect. Especially the song Not In Front Of Family.

• I have been making my own homemade vegan Nutella (I am not a vegan) and it is very satisfying, because it’s much greater than the sum of its parts or the effort made in putting them together.

• Over the years, I have been conflicted in my feelings about the Smashing Pumpkins. However, I must concede that I have recently been educated in how listening to Siamese Dream first thing in the morning gets the day off to an excellent start. Preferably with coffee and crumpets.*

• Anyway, I am as obsessed as everyone else is with To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before. It is sweet and lovely and I love it and Peter Kavinsky with all of my haggard but perpetually teenage heart.

• I read Motherhood by Sheila Heti and I think we probably all should because it has made me feel better about myself and other people and the whole world.

• I have been to see the Picasso 1932 exhibition at Tate Modern twice now and it is awe-inspiring. On a very basic level, just that he managed to get that much done in the space of one tumultuous year, quite frankly.

*Incidentally, this also prompted a weird realisation that boys seem to use Smashing Pumpkins as a definite wooing tactic. The first time I heard them, it was when an older boy called Jago (dream holiday romance when I was 15) played me Disarm on his Walkman. I carried on listening to the song on repeat long after I went home and went off him.

Then, on my seventeenth birthday, a boy called Futoshi gave me Adore on CD. Futoshi was from Tokyo and played drums in my boyfriend Nico’s band. He confessed his secret crush on me with that present, announcing ‘if you like me, you can kiss me’. I declined and ended up giving the CD to my friend Tommy, as it had also soundtracked his much more grown-up New York holiday romance. Circular, no? I can now see that I was an idiot. That Smashing Pumpkins CD was a sweeter and far more thoughtful gift than Nico ever gave me. He was handsome but flaky (in retrospect I realise: mostly because he didn’t like me that much).

Ask Polly

Quite some time ago - literally years ago, in fact - my friend Ruth sent me a link to an 'Ask Polly' column. My friend Ruth is really good at sending me stuff I will like. It was entitled 'I Hate Men' so obviously she thought I would relate (ha ha). Not strictly true, but I did find that the incredible advice and use of language made me feel genuinely inspired.

I woke up the other morning* and felt the urge to re-read it. I trawled old emails until eventually I found it** and I was not sorry I did. If anything, I now found the words of advice even more inspirational. I have been reading the entire 'Ask Polly' archive and have found it invaluably wise and true, even when I don't particularly relate to the original problem. It has been making me feel smarter, more thoughtful and - yes - empowered.

In recent readings, I also finished my friend Holly Bourne's 'How Do You Like Me Now?' within a single weekend. I think a lot of - if not all - young women should treat it as required reading. I am only young-ish (if that, by this point, really?) and I still found it funny, sad, true and thought-provoking.

I've taken up 'Crazy Ex-Girlfriend' again and remembered how much I enjoyed it.

I went to film club and we forgot to watch the film because we were having far too much fun.

I went to see Jack White and he surpassed all my expectations and all gigs should have no phones.

I am going on an impromptu holiday to Zurich next week. If and when it's possible, I would say that booking surprise travel is Good For The Soul. The prospect of travel to a new place has perked me right up.

Before then, I will be watching two of my best friends get married, surrounded by loved ones and glitter and joy, and I cannot wait.

* This morning I woke up with 'Spin the Bottle' by Juliana Hatfield stuck in my head. You just can't pick and choose! However, it has made me want to listen to the 'Reality Bites' soundtrack.

** I also spent a frankly embarrassing amount of time over the past few weeks searching for an article I once read about how Anthony Bourdain is the Queen of Coins. It was perfect. Thankfully, finally - here it is.

People doing the things.

It’s a week of brilliant people doing great things.

Last night I went to see my friend Steve in the play ‘DRUNK!’ by Jack Evans. It was great. The Brighton shows have all sold out, but they are taking it to Edinburgh Fringe and I would highly recommend checking it out if you are so inclined. Steve described it to me as ‘Cheers as directed by David Lynch’ – and if you’re not totally sold on that concept, then I’m not sure we can be friends.

The play last night was followed by music from Mister Jones and the Living, which was very jolly indeed. It was at Junkyard Dogs, which I hadn’t been to before, a very cool café/performance space. They do a good vegan hotdog. (I am not, in fact, vegan. But I have been known to dabble.) Once again, all of the above, highly recommended.

This evening I am going to the launch party to celebrate another utterly brilliant friend, Holly Bourne. As you probably know, Holly is a highly impressive, prolific, hilarious and zeitgeisty YA superstar. Her first adult book – ‘How Do You Like Me Now?’ – is published today and I could not be more excited about it. Right up my street. I can’t wait to read it, celebrate her wonderfulness, and eat a lot of cake.

This week I also read an advance copy of my friend Jess Vallance’s new book (coming out in August), ‘You Only Live Once’. Jess is one of my very favourite people in the world. She is also highly impressive: she’s already written two YA novels (‘Birdy’ and ‘The Yellow Room’, both excellent), has a film in the pipeline, an adult thriller coming out soon, and ‘YOLO’ is just the first in a new MG trilogy. She is highly blasé about all of the above achievements. ‘YOLO’ is as funny and sharp and secretly warm-hearted as she is.

Currently reading another YA pal’s new book, ‘Wild Blue Wonder’ by Carlie Sorosiak. I’ve literally only just started but I am already falling in love. Carlie’s writing is magical and beautiful and swoony. Her first book, ‘If Birds Fly Back’ is highly recommended by me.

In other news:

• I am still disproportionately sad about Anthony Bourdain.
• Earlier this week, my mood could pretty much be summed up by that time I burst into tears on a bus in Poland and accidentally shouted out loud ‘I’M SAD AND I’M HUNGOVER AND I MISS COLIN AND I WANT MY MUM AND I DON’T LIKE THIS BUS’. However, matters have since improved somewhat – for no good reason, which just happens sometimes.
• I am very excited about my friend Neil’s stag do this weekend.
• I watched ‘Mother!’ and it was batshit insane.
• Then I fell asleep watching ‘The Omen 2’ for slightly bizarre and convoluted reasons – it was surprisingly relaxing.
• A week today my little sister is getting married, which is lovely but utterly unbelievable.
• I am furious that Miz Cracker has sashayed away.